Steveats: The Taco Bell Quesalupa

A Quesalupa in the wild.

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable fast food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

The Quesalupa, as described by the Taco Bell writing team, is a magical item. “A beautiful, chewy Chalupa shell on the outside, with delicious pepper jack cheese baked right inside the shell.” Why, yes, that does sound interesting to me! I quite enjoy cheese-based products, and while I’d never profess to being the world’s hugest Taco Bell fan, I’m also not immune to the wonders of a cheap taco during a night of drinking when I’m hungry late at night.

Unfortunately though, the Quesalupa didn’t even meet the low standards I had for it in my head. First off, get those confusing commercials out of your head. (A short analysis of them though – YouTube commentators had the same initial thought I did. Are we supposed to be noticing the redhead with the prodigious posterior? Also, what laundromat has an ATM machine between machines? The Onlines tell me that in the commercial, it’s meant to highlight that the people are so entranced by the cheese of the Quesalupa that they do not notice the person doing the cannonball or the stripping laundry lady, but it’s hard to tell because there are no vocals and a weird EDM track on in the background.)

The actual cheese in the Quesalupa isn’t all that stretchy. I know that saying “cheese” with any Taco Bell product is being generous, but still. It’s somewhere in-between the consistency of the shredded crap they put on their normal tacos and the gooey, liquid cheese for the burritos. It was somewhat flavorless, at least the one I tried.

Anyway, the rest of the ole Quesalupa is just the standard Taco Bell fare. I don’t mind normal Chalupas, but they don’t really deserve their increased price over the standard $0.99 items or Big Box of the Month. It’s $2.99 for the Quesalupa, and for your late night, bad food binging, three tacos or two McDoubles are better investments.

Reminder!

There is no sex in the champagne room. None.

At The Commercials: Axe washes your balls.

I have a couple thoughts about this commercial, and I'm sure you've been eagerly awaiting all of them. In no particular order:

- Much like my previous review of SoBe's oral sex commercial, this one is a little too "on the nose" for me. (Although, "on the tip" might be a better description.) Seriously, it's a gag revolving around the word balls. This two-minute version is shrunk (no pun intended) to 30 seconds on television, but even then, the joke wears thin by the end of the commercial.

- I am a fan of Jaime Pressly in this commercial. I don't mean her acting; I mean her look. She resembles Kelly Ripa in it, who I'm also a fan of, except that Ripa now has like 40 kids, and that's weird for me to think about. Pressly is playing a fake former tennis star in the commercial, which is confusing to me. Can't you just bill her as Jaime Pressly, hot actress? Why go through the subterfuge of having her be a tennis star?

- There is another version of this commercial that airs before 10 p.m., and on the more conservative networks. (i.e. NBC and FOX air the clean version during NFL games, but Adult Swim airs the "balls, balls, balls!" version.) This seems like a supreme waste of money to me, since the commercial doesn't make a ton of sense without the references to balls. If you want to see that version, you can click... on your television, because it's not on the Internet, it seems.

- People really like posting this video to YouTube. There are like six different versions of it, even though in most of them, the sound is so shitty you can't hear anything. People just love talking about balls, it seems. (Oh ho, now I make joke about balls too! Oh ho!)

Delayed post - Getting into Baggage later

Hi folks! I actually did some stuff today, therefore, I will be a little late with my planned post on Baggage, the hilarious new game show hosted by Jerry Springer. (Ah, do his gifts to society ever stop giving? I say FEH!) If you're looking for something amusing to keep you occupied for a bit, check out Bo Burnham on YouTube, because he's funny. Click here to find out what he wants, like how JFK wanted a car with a roof.

The picture of Bert on Springer is from this site, which is quite pessimistic about the chances of the show before it ever hit the air. How dare they!

Belatedly Liking Stuff: "Yeah Yeah Yeah" by New Politics

I never quite know when new music comes out. For example, I heard the above song on our local alternative rock radio station, WBRU, late last night when I was coming home from the newspaper. It is by New Politics, and it is called "Yeah Yeah Yeah", which strikes me as a bit of a silly idea given the immensely popular band of the same name. (By the way, Karen O? I'd hit it.)

Suffice to say, if I'm writing about the band, you can guess that I'm a fan. "Yeah Yeah Yeah" has a sort of raw, loud energy that reminds me some of the bands I liked as a kid and teenager. You know, kind of like The Strokes or early Everclear, before they realized they could make $80 billion doing stuff like "Father of Mine".

Poking around the Internet, it seems like the single was just released in May, and they don't have a full album out yet. I typically worry that when I talk about a band I've recently started liking, it can be way after the fact that they actually started becoming popular. For example, Vampire Weekend has multiple albums out, but I wrote about them in February 2010 oblivious to this fact.

Therefore, let me recommend New Politics before they become super-duper popular. Heck, that video only has about 13,000 views on YouTube, which is several million short of what it should have. It's the pretty standard "low budget" video, with just the band singing in a room, but it works for the gritty rawness of the song. Check it out, fools! (And p.s., treat your mother right.)

Kirsten Dunst has lost her god damn mind, and so has Jack :(

Dear Kirsten Dunst, I'm sorry that Spider-Man 4 was canceled a couple of months ago. Maybe this has caused you to ponder some past career decisions, and to try to grab some "indy credit" like Zooey Deschanel has, for her dual-acting and singing careers, kind of.

However, that thing above... is just a bad idea. What the eff were you thinking, child? Ack! Thanks to Gawker for the original posting that I saw on it, and for my friends Tom and Kristi for bringing it to my attention.

I guess I have to call it "artistic" because it is bad, like an Asian fetish dude's wet dream. The only thing missing from that video is tentacle porn, and I suppose there is only none of that because the video is shooting for an NC-17 or R-rating as opposed to being hentai. But between all the Japanese school girls, busty anime chicks, sparkles and bad singing, I mentally threw up about 40 times.

Speaking of bad ideas, the real-life Jack Shepard has been stepping out on his lady. Matthew Fox! Knock that behavior off, please. It is being reported by sleazy outfits, like The National Enquirer and InTouch, but I guess we'll know if there is an actual divorce or not whether it was true.

Secondly, how come all of these cheaters step-down a bit with their targets? At least Tiger Woods was doing some porn stars and models in addition to gross waitresses at Waffle Houses; presumably he was picking up some new tricks. Matthew Fox allegedly slept with some gross 25-year-old stripper with a kid. barf. Hey Matt Fox, stick with your already good-looking wife with whom you have kids with! Don't go all Sawyer on us.

The picture of Fox and his wife is from this site. I'll have my thoughts on last night's episode a little bit later, when I'm done watching the episode.

At The Commercials: Molly Culver will spend all of your money and devour your soul

Times must be tough for Molly Culver. The residuals from her "starring" roles in V.I.P., Pacific Blue, Warrior Angels and VH1's I Love The XX series must be drying up, because she is in a truly awful series of ads for the Chase rewards program.

Listen, if my wife ever spends all of our Chase reward points ON A SINGLE DRESS instead of a vacation, then she will shortly be my ex-wife. Hey Molly Culver, you're still hot even though you're now 42! Cool it on buying the super-expensive dresses and annoying your husband, who looks kind of like Brett Favre.

There is actually a second commercial in the series, but it is so awful that no one has felt the need to record it and put it on YouTube. In that one, Molly is with her P-whipped husband as they are riding on a ski lift, and she doubts that their reward points can be used to purchase a massage. Hey Molly, WHY WOULD YOU DOUBT THAT? Come on! Why are you constantly busting your husband's balls? Can't you just go back to shilling Secret deodorant?

Delayed response!

So, I got busy again with work today. I'll type a proper entry later. (Hint: It'll be on the awesome finale of Glee the other night... Well actually, that's not much of a hint, more of a confession.) But for now, I'll just post an amusing YouTube video in order to temporarily distract you:



Ah, Animaniacs. How I miss thee...

Lusting after DJ Hero

Above is a gameplay video for DJ Hero, the latest installment of the Guitar Hero series - Skip ahead to about 30 seconds for the actual beginning, since he has a couple of false starts. I would already own it, except that you have to buy another accessory - a DJ turntable device - that means a $100+ price tag. Also, if I can barely handle Guitar Hero on Normal, then the button juggling needed for DJ Hero seems like it would destroy my fingers.

However, from the above mash-up of "Sabotage" by The Beastie Boys and "Monkey Wrench" by The Foo Fighters, you can tell that the musical quality of the game is incredibly high. As far as I can tell, all of the mash-ups are originals, and I imagine when and if the game releases an official soundtrack, it'll sell even better than the actual game, because of its lower price tag.

Other standout track worth listening to: "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani with "Feel Good Inc." by The Gorillaz. The song featured in the commercial for the game, "My Name Is" by Eminem mixed with "H to the Izzo" by Jay-Z, or if you prefer, Jay-Z and The Jackson Five. And one of the more inspired and weird mixes, "Rapture" by Blondie with "Intergalactic" by The Beastie Boys.

At The Commercials: Christmas means horrible commercials

I could honestly go the rest of my life without seeing another horrible commercial for jewelry, such as the above one for Kay. It actually took me a while to get the double meaning of their advertising slogan - every kiss begins with K(ay) - because I was always too focused on trying to frantically change the channel when their commercial came on.

This commercial, along with another one here, is so unbelievably shmaltzy in its appeal. Listen, I'm a passionate, passionate guy, but even I don't like clearly manipulative and simple cheese like this. For similar reasons, I find the animal abuse commercials with Sarah McGlaflin manipulative.

The only jewelry commercials worse than Kay's are for the ones for Jared. These are so destructive to the mind that 1) there are about 500 spoofs of them on YouTube and 2) you can't find the actual commercials on YouTube. Marriages are emotional enough - Why do we need these over the top cryfest commercials as well? boo.

At The Commercials: Creepy ghost in Palm Pre commercial

I really dislike this super-pale girl in the new Palm Pre commercials. She is so pale that she actually looks like she is glowing; it's kind of like how white stars are actually the hottest and brightest, as opposed to the burning, flaming red ones that you would think are the hottest. She literally looks like a ghost. So far, there is one guy on the Internetz who seemingly likes the commercial.

According to the YouTube video, linked here in case you can't see the embedded video, the super-pale actress Tamara Hope, who has mostly made her mark on Canadian television. I normally stick up for the Canadians, since I love Strange Brew and Kids in the Hall and Mike Myers, but this ghostly girl is simply inexcusable.

The odd thing is that Tamara is pretty decent look in other photos [right]. She is still pale, but not freakishly so, although she still seems a bit stuck in the Melissa Joan Hart, “I'm playing young characters” look. From looking her up on Google Images, you'd never know that she was born in 1984, and is only a couple months younger than I am, and I already look a bit baby faced.

And as an accounting note, I've decided to call these posts commenting on commercials, At The Commercials, as a take on Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel's old show, At The Movies. It was one of my favorite shows growing up as a kid, which is a bit odd, but makes sense now. I still like Roger Ebert a lot, and read all of his reviews, even on movies I have no interest in seeing. He is such a skilled writer that I'm always interested anyway.

Watch these shows – Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Blog Equation 107: Lolcats = Win. ALWAYS.

Since the last television recommendation I made, for that of Life on Mars, came right before the show was canceled, I'm almost reluctant to make this entry for fear of more carnage. However, we are in summer now, and I know people are craving something new to watch. So, my recommendations, some of which are old shows you can watch on YouTube...

- Home Movies, O'Grady or Dick and Paula. All three are animated shows by Soup2Nuts, who's art style is pretty distinctive. By “distinctive,” I mean that it looks like crap. However, the same voice actors – Brandon Small (now on Metalocalypse), Melissa Bardin Galsky and the always incredible H. Jon Benjamin – are often shared between them, which really helps the humor come across.

Home Movies is the best of the three, as it relies the most on Benjamin. His super-gruff, super-low voice would never make you think that he's some skinny white dude. He plays Coach McGuirk, who I constantly link to in my away messages, and who dispenses great advice to the little kids on the show, like why you shouldn't swear and how to survive a tornado and how to handle losing. (My only regret is that YouTube doesn't include his stand-up spots, which are the greatest thing ever. I might have to make my YouTube debut with that.)

I've just recently gotten into O'Grady, on the recommendation of Danielle Membrino, a.k.a. the girl who loves South Park and leaves comments all the time. Keeping in mind that I've only seen a couple episodes, it seems like a combination of Home Movies and Eerie, Indiana (or The Twilight Zone, if you're not hip to 1990s TV).

Dick and Paula is the ancestor of all of these shows, and while it's crudely animated even by Soup2Nuts standards, it is cleverer in certain respects. It is a spoof of shows like Regis and Kelly and The Today Show, as it uses historical figures and made-up celebrities to be funny.

- The Soup on E!, new episodes on Friday, re-runs throughout the week. I think a lot of people are already turned on to the spiritual successor of Talk Soup (the good versions, with John Henson, Roger Lodge and Greg Kinnear, not the shitty one with Aisha Tyler). At its best, the show was funny on two levels: first from the absurdity of its clips, and second from the host's reactions and skits.

But the new host, Joel McHale, has the best chops of all of them. The show is consistently funnier than the old incarnation, and at times it has a sort of zaniness that reminds me of early Conan O'Brien and David Letterman. While I think just about anybody can point out the pathetic humor in the VH1 reality shows and Entertainment Tonight-type fare, McHale and his staff also get great bits out of mundane shows. The best examples would be I Love Toy Trains, a show I didn't even know existed but one I now wish I had access to, and hyping up Spaghetti Cat and then using him in non-sequitur bits.

My only complaint would be that McHale is appearing at the Newport Yachting Center this weekend, but tickets are $45 each. Holy hell, Joel! Give me a break, plz? I know you got babies to feed, but seeing as I'm practically unemployed and what not, help a brother out. Still, if I did have some money banked (or if I could have wrangled a press credential from someone), I definitely would have seen him in person.

- MXC on Spike and the Internetz, and Ninja Warrior on G4. If you like ABC's Wipeout, then you should be watching these shows instead, from which Wipeout just ripped their idea off and made it more PG. I realize it is hard to rip off a concept originally popularized by the Three Stooges, but ABC did it so transparently that I was curious how they never got rapped for it. Instead, I've mostly heard raves about how funny the show is, proving that if it happened on cable it never really happened. I imagine ABC's next show will have puppets making prank phone calls.

Anyway, if you went to college at any point between 2002 and 2007, like I did, then you've probably seen MXC while you were drunk, thus you don't remember the name. Whenever various roommates and I would come home from the bar or a party, a flip through the channels would reveal it was on, and we would end up watching weird Japanese people smash their faces in while a humorous, English dub was laid on top of it. The best events would always be when they had to jump across rocks or walk across the huge roller things, because the wipeouts would always be spectacular.

The original show that MXC gets its footage from, Takeshi's Castle, apparently led their TV ratings at one point, and it was supposed to simulate a sort of real-life video game competition, which seems like an absolutely insane concept to me. They have a crummy show like this on the Sci-Fi Channel or USA Network right now, and it stinks because they always do first-person shooters. Hey, if I wanted to see that, I would just watch Rambo, you asshats! You should instead be trying to do a modern version of Takeshi's Castle, with super-bright colors, floating platforms and moving, Roomba-like robots that you have to jump on top of to kill. I want to see World 1-1 of Super Mario Brothers, not Call of Duty 4.

While the humor of MXC is obvious, Ninja Warrior is better to me because it is played so seriously. It is like the Airplane! or Naked Gun of the genre. Almost all the characters take this deathly serious, and the over-dramatic announcing and subtitles just push the show over the top. And when a contestant falls in the water, the (male) announcer lets out such a shriek each time that I can't help but laugh.