Inexplicable (Comic) Book Review: Super Mario Brothers and Super Mario Land comics rule

While I've written at length about The Wizard here and here, and everyone is in agreement that the Super Mario Brothers movie sucked, there is one Mario-themed production that was shockingly good: The comic book series.

Besides the example to the right, you can find a bunch of page scans on this website. (Note: Clicking on any of the images will make them full-size, so that you can actually read them.) I'm not actually sure how I ever came across them. I dimly recall an aunt buying me the big red "Best Of" book that I still have to this day, but I'm not sure how I got an additional copy of it, or several other issues, or the four Game Boy issues that were about Super Mario Land.

However, the key thing about all of them is their surprising sophistication. Like some of the better cartoons to follow - SpongeBob Squarepants, Shrek - there was a lot of references in there that would fly over the head of a kid. You know, like how all the flowers in the king's garden are named Bud. There were pop culture references that you wouldn't get as a kid, along with puns that required a somewhat-advanced vocabulary.

As part of the moving into a new apartment, I was re-reading the "Best Of" book I had and chuckling to myself here and there. Most of the humor still holds up. Also worth noting is the artwork, which is what appealed to me most as a kid. The characters and backgrounds are vivid and bright, even more so than the Super Mario Brothers cartoon that was also pretty solid. The comic book series comes the best at recapturing the artwork of the second and third games of the Super Mario Brothers series.

So, if you see a copy lingering around a used book store, by all means pick it up. It's the perfect sort of odd purchase that you'll probably like, or it makes a great unique gift for someone who's into video games. (My other recommendations on this front: Game Over, an incredible biography by David Sheff about the rise of Nintendo, and The Ultimate History of Video Games by Steven Kent, an exhaustive look at the video game industry shortly before the launch of the PS2 and X-Box.) It also might make for a good investment, since they go for $10 to $40 online, it seems.

As I said at the start of this entry, all the comic images are coming from this website, which has a ton of archived comics related to the whole series. Really, really good stuff! And, I haven't forgotten that I owe y'all a Baggage review - I'm at work now, so I'll check my DVR and have it up after I get home.

Inexplicable Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles does not need tinkering, Michael Bay.

I'm normally pretty OK with movies being remade, even if they're popular titles from my past. For example, the first Transformers didn't completely suck, even if the second one was complete and utter trash. The Karate Kid was a classic, but I agree with Bill Simmons when he states that certain aspects of it feel completely dated; I think it might be hard for some kids now to relate to movies that have absolutely no computer, cell phone or Internet presence. The new Karate Kid doesn't look great to me, but it also doesn't look like complete ass.

I'm more confused by the news that Michael Bay is remaking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Uh, esqueeze me? Baking soda? What the heck is wrong with TMNT?

The movie holds up great, which isn't to say that it is a legitimately great movie. It is a bad movie aimed at kids, and it makes absolutely no attempt to be high art. With the ridiculous premise of turtles and a rat exposed to radiation who then learn kung-fu from the rat because he's originally from Japan, it would damn near be impossible to get an Oscar nomination. The turtles make lame jokes that are funny to kids, and so-bad-they're-funny to me now that I'm an adult.

It also helps the camp / humor value that everything about the movie is out of central casting and predictable, and logically unexplainable. You know, like how there is a secret army in New York City, led by a dude with a bladed helmet, and who seems to have a general who barely speaks English. They entice underage teenagers to join their super-serious martial arts gang with cigarettes, arcade games and skateboarding ramps. (Note about movies of this ilk, and a good idea for an Airplane! style spoof: What exactly is in it for all the super-serious henchmen of these movies? I'll even give you a title - Hench. Like, duh.)

There are also plenty of fight scenes, and most of them hold up well because they feature Three Stooges-style slapstick. ha ha, Michelangelo is on his back and spinning to trip up Foot Soldiers! Donatello just spit water in that guy's face! Oh, now the turtles are ordering pizza, and the Domino's guy (hi product placement!) can't find them because they live in a sewer, ha ha!

Given how ridiculous and great everything already is, why does their need to be a remake? Well, besides the obvious reason that Michael Bay would like to make lots of money. There are two directions they can go with this, both of which would suck:

- Make it like Batman Begins, which would mean super realistic and gritty... except that they're mutant ninja turtles?

- Copy the animated shows and go even more slapstick. However, the recent animated shows have sucked, so I can't see them doing big business. And hey, remember a couple years ago when they went this route and that movie sucked because it was slow and plodding?

In conclusion, Michael Bay please do not mess around with my movie. And also, don't you dare think of remaking The Wizard.

TV Review: The Forgotten should be

[Right]: Not even Cuthbert can... Um... sorry, I forgot what I was talking about.

There is something authentic but unbelievable about The Forgotten, the Christian Slater vehicle on after LOST. On one hand, it has all of the slick production values and babble that you'd expect from a forensics-style show.

But... When I was watching last night, I just couldn't shake the feeling that it was far, far more sizzle than steak. Frankly, it intentionally shoots for super, duper melodrama. I've watched parts of three or four episodes, since it comes on after LOST, and each time there was always one scene that made me go, "This is too excruciating - I'm changing the channel."

Last night's episode served as the series finale, since the show has been mercifully canceled already. The show apparently got some advance notice of the decision, since the finale did wrap up the series-long angle of Slater's daughter's abduction. Of course, it did so haphazardly, while also tying in some mumbo-jumbo about an Internet scavenger hunt game for money and a serial killer who was probably going to be a recurring character, but isn't now, since the show is canceled.

The show revolved around the idea that Slater led a group of amateur detectives who like to hunt down criminals. Okay, if that's the case, shouldn't things be a bit more lighthearted? Instead, there were plenty of cases about abducted kids and murders and what not. Given the premise of the show and the presence of Slater, I would expect something more in the vein of Psych, and less like Cold Case.

The odd thing is that the supporting characters also seem to be there for mostly comic relief, and thus contrast poorly with Slater's super-serious-guys demeanor. I'm especially referring to Elisha Cuthbert, who is in the last couple episodes of the series. She is so stunningly gorgeous that she steals every scene she is in. Seriously, Elisha, you've got it going on. Good work!

As a result, the show is, well, was, just a big mess. The characters feel like they're fighting for airtime in different shows and Slater is way, way too serious for everyone else. What happened to that baby-faced older brother we all fell in love with in The Wizard? (Note: This was probably just me.)

Grade: D+

Inexplicable Movie Review: The Wizard (again)

Expanding on my thoughts from yesterday, there are plenty of reasons why you should run out and rent The Wizard immediately.

1) There is a bunch of footage of old video games being played by an autistic kid. I'm not sure why, but this is somehow fascinating to me, even though the clips are only 10 to 20 seconds each. In the course of the movie, he plays Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Double Dragon and Ninja Gaiden prominently, not to mention the Super Mario Brothers 3 orgy at the end of the movie, which is essentially a five-minute sneak preview for the game (at least at the time).

Of course, this brings to light some of the great, silly, illogical parts of the movie. For example, when he is playing Super Mario Brothers 3, Jimmy finds the warp whistle hidden in the first fortress, which should be effing impossible unless you know where to look for it. You have to have the raccoon tail / leaf (whatever it's called) that lays you fly above the screen, on top of a wall, and into an adjacent room with the warp whistle. And for some reason, this makes Jimmy's score counter double or triple, which does not actually happen in the game! Jimmy uses this to eventually beat Lucas, and the pig-tailed girl, who serves as the Meg Griffin of the competition for Jimmy and Lucas to beat up on.

Honestly, if you don't have realism in your shameless promotional movies that have video games, what can you trust?

2) Touching on the video games again, there is also a montage of games being played in an arcade, as Jimmy is trying to learn how to beat a bunch of different games; the games in the tournament are unknown. Ninja Gaiden is the opening round game, which is actually kind of appropriate - It is a tough game, and it does have a score meter.

However, there are also several games that they practice in the arcade that clearly wouldn't be used, unless Nintendo was effing stupid. They also waste a lot of money calling the Nintendo Game Counselor line, which I'm sure made a ton of parents happy as their kids stupidly called whenever they got stuck in a game. I never really understood the point of this - Most old NES games rely on the simple formula of ducking, attacking or running past whatever thing is attacking you. It's a matter of memorizing patters and reacting, which you don't really need a "game counselor" for.

3) In a comical scene, the character played by Beau Bridges - he's related to Jimmy somehow, I think he might be his natural dad - is rambling about some shit in Zelda 2. The thing is, when the camera pans to what he is playing, he's just slashing things in some town, and it makes absolutely no sense with what he's saying. It's as if they gave him a script, then intentionally made an effort to make him look like an asshole who didn't know anything about the game he was playing. Hey, editing truck, you could have at least helped a brother out by splicing in some scenes from Zelda 2 that at least made sense for the scene.

4) Final thing for now - The Wizard was one of the last movies that had kids completely independent and not reliant on adults for things in 1980s fashion, to the point where you question if every authority in the movie is effing insane.

Rilo Kiley, Fred Savage and an autistic kid essentially hitchhike across the country, using money they win by scamming people at video games, with the goal of making it to L.A. to play in a $25,000 video game tournament. The only adult that is remotely helpful is a truck driver named Spanky that the girl knows, which is somewhat odd and creepy when you really ponder it. I don't think they really ever explain how Haley (Rilo Kiley) lives; it is implied or said that her dad is a truck driver and out the picture. Fred Savage runs away from his parents with Jimmy, his half-brother, and they are able to elude all adults in their way.

Meanwhile, there is a menacing "child finder" dude after them, because apparently in 1989, nobody would say shit if they saw three children just wandering around the country. I live in a rural area and remember being asked by cops twice where I was going after school as I was walking home or to a friend's house; I don't think I would have been able to accomplish a journey of several hundred miles with no adult interference.

Anyway, I've got to go cover a meeting, so I might do a third part to this at a future date.

The Fred Savage photo from The Wizard I found at this blog.

Inexplicable Movie Review: The Wizard

The Wizard is a common punching bag for movie reviewers, but really, when the movie dropped in 1989, it was noticeable for two very cool reasons, at least to my five-year-old mind:

1) The Power Glove. The scene with Lukas is rightfully mocked now, but at the time, the Power Glove looked like the coolest effing thing just about ever. According to a pretty trustworthy source, the Angry Video Game Nerd, it is god damn awful to actually play a game with, but hey, it still does look cool.

2) The preview of Super Mario Brothers 3, which was a good and proper sequel to the original game, as opposed to the weird game known as Super Mario Brothers 2 in the states. For some reason, I remember getting SMB3 relatively early in my youth, which was rare because I normally only got bargain-priced games. I somehow managed to avoid getting the ultimate horrible bargain game, Home Alone, at least.

Anyway, looking at the history of video game movies, you'd be hard pressed to say that The Wizard was in the bottom five. Yeah, it was essentially a 90-minute advertisement for Nintendo, but at least it was an enjoyable ad with decent actors like Fred Savage and Christian Slater and Beau Bridges and the girl who would become Rilo Kiley. While none of them are really award winners, they give at least capable performances.

The Wizard is just kind of an average movie to me, especially when compared to other "kids" movies of the time frame - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Honey I Shrunk Every God Damn Thing Ever don't hold up as well either. The Wizard is also not a colossal cluster eff, like most video game movies, excluding Mortal Kombat, which is shocking from its sheer competence. But, that's a discussion for another time, and another review.

(Actually, I might expand on this whole entry at some point... I feel like I'm rushing things a bit, whereas it would be good to REALLY get into all of The Wizard's amazing parts.)