At The Commercials: Whole Lotta Pooping on Game Show Network

Believe it or not, since I’m so often at the forefront of the hottest pop culture trends, but one of my favorite stations is the Game Show Network. The average viewer age for the channel that plays Family Feud on a loop is probably around 75, but hey, I like me some Feud to unwind at the end of the night. Steve Harvey is funny, and jussstttt titillating enough as a host to make it an interesting show. He’s no Richard Dawson, and I wish GSN would show some older episodes more often, but it’s still plenty good.

However, one constant feature of GSN is odd, uncomfortable and gross commercials. And most of them are about poop. The most benign one is for Cologuard, which you can see here.

Now, in case you couldn’t watch just now or your mind filtered out the entire thing, let me explain what you just watched – You poop in a box and then put it in the mail, and then they analyze your poop and tell you if anything is wrong with your poop. Their mascot is literally a Box of Poop.

I will hand it to them though, the commercial is so cheerful that I didn’t initially realize that it was asking me to poop in a box. And hey, at least it’s kind of, sort of for decent health reasons. Outside of poop commercials, the other bargain basement, budget cable commercials usually feature washed-up celebrities hawking the importance of gold and end of days grifters, and ads about catheters. Along the latter lines…

I feel a bit bad for this actress. She seems to have a bit more spark and personality than the sort you normally get for these kind of commercials. They usually seem resigned to the idea that this probably isn’t good for their overall careers, but hey, you need that check to pay for the kids’ private school tuition.

In contrast, this blonde lady seems like she has some chops. I’d cast her to be the spunky daughter or granddaughter in my Golden Girls 2 treatment. She deserves better than to be talking so openly and loosely about poops. The devil’s donuts.

And, oh yeah – this commercial seems somewhat insane. I have no idea who greenlit it, or thought, “Hey, this will be a good look for our product!” Then again, I’m talking about it and you’re now reading about it, so I imagine THEY WIN. They win with their disgusting poop. God.

Want to support Steve’s blogging? Then purchase something via the Amazon clickthru link for Your Parents Basement, Steve’s other project! To read all of Steve’s past At The Commercials, click here! For Inexplicable TV Reviews, click here! For Inexplicable Video Game Reviews, click here! And for Inexplicable Book Reviews, go here!

At The Commercials: The Oregon Duck

 This is how I feel whenever I have to work, and it’s a gorgeous day outside like today. Siggghhh.

Also, by the way – While the rest of the quality at that network has slid into the abyss, thanks to far too many shows with one fuckwad shouting at the top of his lungs at another, the “This is Sportscenter” commercials remain on point. I’ve written before about how awesome they are, although ESPN does seem to yank them off YouTube frequently. The best one remains the “Y2K” commercial, and Charley Steiner at the end saying, “Follow me! Follow me to freedom!”

Steveats: The Taco Bell Quesalupa

A Quesalupa in the wild.

Debuting a new, semi-regular feature! I tryout questionable fast food items so that you don’t have to in… Steveats. (Note: Title developed in about 10 seconds of brainstorming.)

The Quesalupa, as described by the Taco Bell writing team, is a magical item. “A beautiful, chewy Chalupa shell on the outside, with delicious pepper jack cheese baked right inside the shell.” Why, yes, that does sound interesting to me! I quite enjoy cheese-based products, and while I’d never profess to being the world’s hugest Taco Bell fan, I’m also not immune to the wonders of a cheap taco during a night of drinking when I’m hungry late at night.

Unfortunately though, the Quesalupa didn’t even meet the low standards I had for it in my head. First off, get those confusing commercials out of your head. (A short analysis of them though – YouTube commentators had the same initial thought I did. Are we supposed to be noticing the redhead with the prodigious posterior? Also, what laundromat has an ATM machine between machines? The Onlines tell me that in the commercial, it’s meant to highlight that the people are so entranced by the cheese of the Quesalupa that they do not notice the person doing the cannonball or the stripping laundry lady, but it’s hard to tell because there are no vocals and a weird EDM track on in the background.)

The actual cheese in the Quesalupa isn’t all that stretchy. I know that saying “cheese” with any Taco Bell product is being generous, but still. It’s somewhere in-between the consistency of the shredded crap they put on their normal tacos and the gooey, liquid cheese for the burritos. It was somewhat flavorless, at least the one I tried.

Anyway, the rest of the ole Quesalupa is just the standard Taco Bell fare. I don’t mind normal Chalupas, but they don’t really deserve their increased price over the standard $0.99 items or Big Box of the Month. It’s $2.99 for the Quesalupa, and for your late night, bad food binging, three tacos or two McDoubles are better investments.