A random collection of commentary on the 1990s, sports, pop culture, video games, journalism, writing and ego. You know, like every other blog in existence. Except written by me. Oh, and also, my cat wrote a few entries too.
My poor Blogger blog… How I neglect you so! Even though you
continue to earn me (a meager amount of) money because of past stellar posts on
the 1990s hit Freshman Fall and the
short-lived Jerry Springer-hosted Baggage.
Like seriously – I can’t believe how often people are looking for information
on those two subjects! I also really like it when someone comments on a post five
years after the fact.
It’s also odd for me to read some posts that are now 5+
years old. Yikes, they ain’t great, as Shakespeare once said to Roger Bacon.
However, they serve as a good reminder of how I’ve progressed, so I’m
begrudgingly leaving them up. Plus, I need to keep getting’ them (meager)
checks based on search engine hits.
One other housekeeping item – I’m on a movie review podcast
with some random strangers I know from the Internet. If you’d like to listen,
you can go here. I
mostly serve as comic relief, and as a result, I say incredibly horrible things
sometimes! Good times! The latest movie review I participated in was The Santa Clause, so it’s very
time-sensitive. Before that, I thought the Snowpiercer
and Krull shows were also really
solid.
I don’t really do New Year’s resolutions, so I won’t resolve
to update you more. However, since I do have a bit of a light schedule the next
few days, the least I can do is to provide some content in these hot news days
of late December and early January. Such as…
Random movie review – I saw Boogie Nights today. Yeah, it IS weird that I haven’t seen it
before! I felt like I’ve seen it before, given how many references Bill Simmons
makes to it. But with its weird mixture of humor, drama and smut, I can see why
it is so widely celebrated. If you’re in the mood for a dramatized (maybe!) flick
about the porn industry and mommy issues, with a dash of humor, it’s definitely
worth checking out. (And also, there is an awesome real-life crime article it
borrows from, and that article is worth reading – “The Devil and John
Holmes.”)
The Boogie Nights “Dirk
Diggler” image is a common screen grab floating around the Internet. The top
image comes from a public
domain gallery.
So, I've gotten some questions and comments while I've been gone. Doing my best to sum them up…
Q: Hey, how come you hate Kristen Wiig so much?
A: The weird thing is that I kind of don't as much anymore. Since I wrote about wanting to get her fired from Saturday Night Live, they have been using her in radically less skits. (Obviously, the writers and producers over there are big time fans of Stephen On Stuff.)
I still find a lot of her characters, like the neurotic K-Mart clerk and the neurotic Lawrence Whelk Show lady and the neurotic every character in every sketch lady, very annoying. However, when they have her play an actual human being, she's pretty decent. (Still, they need to use Jay Pharaoh more.)
An odd offshoot of all of this is that Wiig apparently has a huge following with younger girls. I got at least two e-mails from angry 14-year-olds, who proclaimed that Wiig is God's gift to comedy. The reference I was making to Lorne Michaels and The Beatles kind of went completely over their heads.
Q: When is The Baggage Game coming back? Do you still watch?
A: I had to put my viewing on hold for a bit, just because I wasn't blogging at all, and my DVR access was a bit limited. However, I do still watch Baggage, and I've started to queue up some episodes for review. I'll probably resume this coming week.
It's weird to me how much pull this show has, and I'm glad that they're still doing new episodes. Springer is just so god damn awesome on it. Also, it seems like my blog is the definitive source for it, oddly enough. From the Model Mayhem board, it seems like they had an encounter with one of the dudes, and a couple other people have found some older entries.
Q: What the heck do you do each day now anyway?
A: In case you missed the earlier entries, or you just managed to find this one, I'm currently an editor and reporter for Narragansett Patch (hence the widget on the side). The job does keep me pretty busy writing, which is why my output on here was so diminished. However, I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things.
When I'm not writing, I enjoy a wide variety of activities. Lately, this has mostly consisted of taking care of my 17-year-old cat, playing PS3, sleeping and kickball. Yes, kickball. Which is where I'm headed to now as I write this, nine hours before it posts, so see ya.
I'm a big, big fan of Pearls Before Swine, a sardonic comic strip that runs mostly in West Coast papers. I have all of the treasuries, and I sincerely wish that The Providence Journal or some other paper would start running it. That alone would make me subscribe to the paper again. (hint hint... oh never mind, they're not reading this anyway.)
Anyway, Pearls is now online in an animated form, which you can see linked above. I think they've done a smashing job, and I like the little 25 to 50-second cartoons they've made out of some of the more popular strips. They're very easy to digest. I highly recommend that you check some out!
(Note: Yup, this is a pretty short post. To get a little "inside baseball" for a second here, my site for Patch launches on November 1, so I'm pretty busy in the preparation for that. This isn't even including the two days next week that I have to be in New York City. So, until things calm down, you'll probably see a lot more 1) shorter posts and 2) obviously evergreen or time delayed posts that I did well in advance. Hence why you haven't seen any Baggage this week, since I'll probably save it mostly for next week.)
Ah, time for another edition of The Baggage Game! As usual, you can find the Excess Baggage here, and the episode I'm blogging about is linked on the bottom of this entry.
Today's dater is Anthony, a salesman from Philadelphia. He looks kind of like Dule Hill from Psych and The West Wing. He's looking for a classy lady with goals of her own who isn't stuck up.
The first potential dater is a journalist, Dita, from Tijuana, Mexico. I wonder if she's fleeing death threats from a drug cartel; this might also explain the huge comb-over she has on one of her eyes. However, in this case "journalist" is code for "does videos about hip-hop artists" and doesn't really refer to reporting. You can find her Blogger profile here. She says she won't let anything get in her way of winning Anthony's heart.
Next up is Kim, a saleswoman for L.A. She says she hopes Anthony and her "can take a few steps together" toward reducing their carbon footprint. I have no idea why that's supposed to be alluring. And finally, we have Kia, a researcher from Dayton, Ohio, who bills herself as an independent woman with an active lifestyle.
First Round
Dita: I believe The Bible is a hoax. Kim: I only have sex with the lights on. Kia: I must pick out my man's clothing.
Anthony doesn't view Dita's issue as a positive. Dita says there are good lessons in there, but she thinks that parts of it are fabricated. Pretty reasonable to surmise, at least to me. (Random note of Dita: She has a huge tat of something right on her bicep. It is highly distracting.) Kim's baggage doesn't really strike me as baggage, since I don't mind being able to see what I'm doing. Meanwhile, Kia is coming across like a control freak. It doesn't help that she adds, "I like to wear the pants in the relationship, and I like to pick them out as well."
Second Round
Kim: I wear disguises to spy on my boyfriend. Kia: I won't cook, clean or do laundry. (Jerry quips, "It sounds like she's already married.") Dita: I cheated on an ex with my employee.
Wow - That first girl would need to GTFO. It just reeks of craziness AND control issues, which is a nice double whammy. The ex is mildly concerning, but it could just be an isolated incident. Whereas the no cook, clean or laundry person, I wouldn't mind that so much, because I imagine she's bringing plenty else to the table to make up for it.
Anthony eliminates the no cooker though, which turns out to be Kia. Well, no great loss there. The two girls snipe at one another, and Kim actually has the wig she used to go spying. ick. And now, we're off to the Hot Seat now!
Dita's New Year's Resolution was to cut down on eating, she suggests the slogan "It's all about faith, baby!" for Anthony, she needs passion in a relationship, when she was five she wanted to be a journalist growing up, and hip-hop defines her style. She THEN adds that she's going commando today (direct quote!) and otherwise, she would bust a move, so instead, she does a rap. ack. Kim's biggest vice is smoking, nothing turns her on more than getting her hair played with, she thinks men don't understand that little things mean a lot, her biggest fear is bugs, and her go-to dance move is a wind.
Final Elimination Round
Dita: I've been arrested for shoplifting. Kim: I participate in sex auctions. Kia (eliminated): I'm a cheater and I've never been caught.
Well, uh, I guess Kia won't be showing this tape at get-togethers... Dita's baggage is pretty mild as far as the final round goes, so she would definitely be my choice. (This also makes me feel better about posting the link to her profile up above.)
Meanwhile, Kim, good lord. Anthony says he doesn't even know what that is, and I'm with him. Kim says that you go to an auction, and people bid on having sex with you. She let herself be bid on, and the winning price was... $300,000??? What the hell! I have NO idea why anyone would pay that much for her. She looks like a female version of Webster. She further explains that it was "for charity," although I wonder how the hell a charity writes off a $300,000 donation from a sex auction.
Kim sounds like a complete nut show, and Dita seems pretty normal, so I wouldn't hesitate in eliminating Kim. Anthony thinks it over though, and does the complete opposite! Anthony, you scum bag. Sigh. Anyway, his baggage is one of these three...
- I hire a prostitute every year for my birthday. (My guess.) - I went to the prom dressed as a woman. - I've had several high speed police chases.
Given how he's willing to accept Kim's sexual baggage, I'm assuming that Anthony's baggage is the prostitute thing. All three are kind of weird and/or gross to me, although the prom thing is the least worrisome. I could see plausible explanations for that.
Kim says she would find the birthday prostitute thing the most concerning. However, Anthony throws both of us for a loop, and reveals that he has been in several high speed chases. And that they never caught him! He did this because his license was suspended. Well, that's awesome Anthony. However, Kim the Sex Auction Bait says she likes fast cars, and she accepts his baggage. How sweet, I guess.
1) My friend Tom actually tracked down the former NFL player, Taylor Horn, from yesterday's blog entry. You can find his modeling website here, which has a link to his blog here. His blog is... interesting. He apparently does not believe in the letter C, and replaces all of his C's with K's. He also writes a bit about the Baggage casting:
The producer of Baggage Kalled me yesterday to ask me if I was ready for the show? She also wanted to know what my wardrobe was going to be. I told her don’t worry about my wardrobe I’m Koming in fresh, I will be getting my grown man on and hell yeah I’m ready! I asked her if the girl they selected was Kute? She asked Why? I replied beKause I am going to win. More than likely you got me up against two chumps. You should ask about a Morehouse Man. I do not want to be seen on T.V. being hooked with a ugly chick. The producer laughed and said I love the Konfidence. This is going to be fun and fuuuuuuny. I will blog about it Fri night.
2) Also regarding the Baggage experience, one of the past contestants, Ted, said a friend of his linked him to this blog. He commented about his experience on this entry here. Thanks for sharing again, Ted!
Taylor's photo is from his modeling profile, which is already linked above.
Time for some more of The Baggage Game. You can check out the Excess Baggage here, and the episode itself should be linked at the bottom of this entry.
Today's dater is Annette, a substitute teacher from L.A. Wow, I can't imagine living in that city on what most subs make; maybe she's union or something. She wants a guy who is into music, because she sings a bit on the side. Jerry makes her sing (get your mind out of the gutter), and she does, indeed, have good pipes.
First up is Taylor, a professional track runner from Long Beach... who played two years in the National Football League??? Wow. Next is Spencer, a health consultant from Boston. He's wearing perhaps the worst outfit ever on Baggage - a pink dress shirt, a loose, skinny black tie, and a badly-fitting black vest. Oh, and a sideways blue baseball cap. Egads. Finally, we have Dexter, a massage therapist from St. Louis. Annette makes a funny face when he comes out, because while she is black and pretty, and the other two dudes are black and studly, Dexter looks kind of like Jared from the Subway commercials. This could be an interesting game!
First Round
Taylor: I wear dentures. Spencer: I collect Happy Meal toys. Louis: I'm a horrible dancer.
Taylor is missing teeth like a hockey player because of football background. He promises that when Annette is making love with him, "She wouldn't be worried with what's up here." Hi-oh! Despite his horrible outfit, it sounds like Spencer and I could hang out, since I do like toys. However, he adds that he has a 6-year-old son. ick. Meanwhile, Jerry makes Louis dance, and it is really spastic and horrible, but it gets a good rise out of the crowd.
Second Round
Spencer: I have two sugar babies. Dexter: I believe we come from aliens. Taylor: My dates must wear socks during sex.
The aliens thing is oddly popular, as some dude last week also believed he came from aliens. That's weird, but not as concerning to me as the sugar babies thing. Seriously? The crowd boos the socks thing, which to me, barely counts as baggage. They're just socks, not tu-tus.
Annette thinks about it for a bit, and sends the aliens dude packing. Although the sugar baby would be more concerning to me, I can see her reasoning. This turns out to be the super-square Dexter, who adds that he thinks Battlestar Galatica is a documentary. On his way out, he fist-bumps and shakes, haha. He's won the crowd over completely. Taylor says the socks are because he's anemic, and thus, he loses his erection if his feet are cold. Well, thanks for that info, Taylor.
Time for the Hot Spot. If Taylor had to pick a Jaime Foxx movie title to describe his love life, it would be booty call. Additionally, he talks to his mother every day, he likes to be kissed everywhere, and he says what Tiger Woods did happens to us all (???). Spencer was the class clown in school, he would stick close to Annette if one of her flirty ex'es was around, Miley Cyrus is the most-played artist on his iPod, and he has a six-time member of the Mile High Club.
Final Elimination Round
Taylor: I cheated on an ex more than 100 times. Spencer: I'm in therapy for anger management. Dexter (eliminated): I'm addicted to self-help books.
Holy hell, Taylor! He says one of his ex'es became celibate while he was dating her, and he decided to cheat on her instead of breaking up with her. And while Spencer needs anger management, at least he's trying to get support for his issue, which Annette notes as well.
However, despite this, she sends Spencer home. He promptly says, "I'm going to go into the audience and find sugar baby number three." Classy dude, and I'm sure he's a great dad. Anyway, Annette's baggage is one of these three:
- I dated my last two gynos. - I branded my cheating ex with a curling iron. - I won't do it until my man says, "I do." (My guess)
The gyno thing is just weird, and reflects more poorly on the doctors as opposed to Annette. (But seriously, why would you want someone who pokes at your junk to then come home to it?) The curling iron thing seems like a one-time violent act. However, I'm betting her actual baggage is the virginity, since the other dudes on the show are huge players, apparently.
Taylor says he would have the biggest problem if she was waiting until marriage, and I'm a genius, because that is totally her baggage! mwhahaha. However, I think Taylor wants that free meal more than anything else, and he accepts her baggage.
Also, I'm a bit disappointed in myself - I can't find Taylor on the Internets. While he notes on the show that he went to Florida State and spent three years in the NFL, I don't think he finished his college career at FSU, so I can't find him. womp womp womp!
Ah, The Baggage Game! If you don't know what the eff I'm doing here, well, click the label at the bottom of the entry. You'll get the gist. (Although, it's really not that hard from just, you know, reading this. Whatever.) The Excess Baggage is here, and you can find the show linked at the bottom of this entry.
Today's dater is Zack, a dreamy looking mofo from Napa Valley, California. He's also billed as a "software engineer," suggesting he's loaded. You son of a bitch! He wants a sophisticated girl who's also comfortable working on his car with him. Jerry notes, "You're looking for a wine drinking mechanic?" Touche, Jerry.
First up is Chandra, an art curator from Atlanta, Georgia. She is wearing a dress that can be described as influenced by Princess Toadstool - ruffles everywhere! - yet it has the color of a lemon. ick. She seems quite sweet though, so good for her. Next up is Bethany, a restaurant hostess from Louisville, Kentucky. She is really, really pale, and kind of looks like... Well, I can't think of a good celeb comparison. She looks like my friend Emily. Alyson Hannigan with strawberry blonde hair? However, I'm definitely a fan. Finally, we have a novelist from Lima, Peru - Vanessa. I'm meh to her already; she seems snotty. We'll see though.
First Round
Chandra: I've never voted. Bethany: I spend $150 a week on pot. Vanessa: I love to eat baby food.
Chandra makes things worse by saying that she doesn't think voting matters because so many people do it. Zack doesn't seem like a huge fan of this. Meanwhile, Bethany immediately falls out of my good graces for the pot thing, even though she explains that it's because she needs it for medical marijuana. I still say feh! Vanessa's baggage is just weird, and she says she likes it because the "tiny containers are the perfect amount for me." Ye gads.
Second Round
Chandra: I don't shave my legs or wear deodorant. (Zack says, "That's nasty.") Vanessa: I've dated more women than men. Bethany: I scream, scratch and punch in my sleep.
Okay... The deodorant girl would need to GTFO immediately for me. For that, and the legs thing. The middle girl doesn't even have real baggage. Zack notes, "I don't know if I would be interested enough to lop off my genitalia for her," taking it to a really weird level I wasn't even thinking of. Meanwhile, the last girl just seems like she has night terrors, which I bet could get under control with medication.
However, Zack eliminates the girl who has dated more women then men, which gets a loud, angry "NO!" from a guy in the crowd. hahaha. Vanessa the Baby Food Eater turns out to be the eliminated girl. Womp womp womp. I'm also basically "out" for this game, since Bethany the Pot Smoker and Chandra No-Shave would both be completely unrealistic for me, and I haven't even gotten to their third-level baggage yet.
It's time for the Hot Spot though! If Shandra was a cereal, she would be Cookie Crisps, she prefers shower sex over elevator sex, she's worried about being left at the altar, and she'd like to try sexual roleplaying. If Bethany could make love in any one place, it would be "on the rooftop of a building anywhere but Cleveland" (??? How specific!), she considers herself like a panther, she gave one of her ex's the nickname "grandma's boy," and her go-to move in the bedroom is reverse cowgirl. (Holy hell, they're working blue this show!)
Final Elimination Round
Shandra: I left my fiance at the altar. Bethany: I stole my co-worker's husband. Vanessa (eliminated): I spent two years in a psych facility.
Too bad Vanessa is eliminated, Zack could have had a bonkers time with her! *rimshot* Jerry rightly points out that Shandra's biggest baggage matches her biggest fear, which is oddly hypocritical. However, if I was still interested in either one of them, I'd find Bethany's baggage a lot more concerning. Bethany said she was really young and really dumb, and she wouldn't repeat the behavior. Well, that allays my fears a bit, so I probably would go for her over Shandra.
Zack ponders the situation for a bit, but he ultimately decides to send Bethany packing. Shandra lets out a "Yes!" of joy. Bethany notes that she'll be "riding off into the sunset on another cowboy." See, it's funny, because she likes reverse cowboy - You get it? Get it? Anyway, Zack's baggage is one of these three:
- I've spent $63,000 on a dominatrix. (My guess for his baggage.) - I abandonded my ex while vacationing in Thailand. - I believe women should be barefoot and pregnant.
Shandra says the $63,000 would bother her the most, whereas for me, it would just make me go, "Meh." Zack seems pretty god damn rich, from his mannerisms and job and where he lives, so I imagine he has $63,000 to blow on dominatrices. Sure, it's a stupid way to spend money, but so are rims and pimp chalices. Instead, I would be freaking out about the ex thing! Unless she was from Thailand, that's simply inexcusable and outrageous behavior. She could get killed! The third thing just falls under gross male chauvinism, and it's tame by Baggage standpoints.
Zack's actual baggage is the chauvinism stuff, which Shandra clearly isn't really into. Considering that she doesn't shave her legs, this isn't exactly surprising. And she doesn't take too much time to reject him. No match tonight - Exceeellllent.
Welcome to another edition of The Baggage Game! This was actually supposed to post last night, but something got buggered up, and I didn't notice until now. Hence, the weird title. As usual though, you can find the Excess Baggage here, and the episode itself is linked at the bottom. And the neat image above is from this artist's website.
Today's contestant is Danny, a website designer from Kneilworth, New Jersey, and he's wearing a smart vest. He wants someone who can appreciate horror films. He kind of looks like a Jonas brother.
The first potential dater is Sharla, who is billed as a "dancer" from Apple Valley, California. She is tall, busty and blonde, but dressed conservatively, so she might not be THAT kind of dancer. (She definitely could be though.) Next up is an "agency representative" from Houston, Texas, named Ty. And finally, there is Evelyn, a public relations rep from Key Largo, Florida. I dislike her immediately because her blouse is tucked into her super high shorts. Of the three, Sharla definitely wins the beauty contest.
First Round
Sharla: I have a collection of 50 knives. (Jerry says, "And 49 ex-boyfriends.") Ty: I spend $1,000 a month on my hair. (Jerry says, "That is unbe-weave-able.") Evelyn: I always pick my nose while driving.
Sharla says nothing is sexier to her than a girl with a knife. Well then. Ty's baggage makes her sound like she's horrible with money. And while Evelyn's baggage is gross, I do plenty of gross stuff too, so that wouldn't really dissuade me.
Second Round
Sharla: I kissed a girl and I liked it. Ty: I plan my wedding after the first date. Evelyn: I was rejected by an online dating site. (Jerry says, "Maybe she had some kind of virus.")
The first baggage is pretty benign for Baggage. Seriously, I'm sure plenty of gals have drunkenly kissed another gal. The second girl would be the most worrisome to me, and I'm generally a guy who likes commitment. You plan the wedding after the first date? The first one??? Goodness. (The crowd agrees with me, and lets out an angry scowl.) Meanwhile, I imagine the girl who got rejected is either bisexual, or she was already in a relationship at the time. Otherwise, I can't imagine why you'd get the boot.
But somewhat surprisingly to me, Danny decides to reject the dating site girl, and to keep the marriage woman. The online dating site woman turns out to be Evelyn. It turns out she was on some site where you describe your ideal guy, and it couldn't find him for her. This sounds like somewhat weak baggage to me, but whatever! I definitely would have kept her over the marriage girl, which turns out to be Ty. And Sharla continues to seem more and more appealing.
Time for the Hot Spot! Sharla is best described by "Genie in a Bottle" (note: limited to Christina songs), she will brag about being able to fit in her prom dress at her next high school reunion, three times a night is too many, she would blast her music to get Danny's attention at a traffic light, and fooling around is best when the moment strikes. (Note: Sharla has a tattoo of like a wristband on her leg, which is very distracting.) Ty likes Rob Pattison (the Twilight dude) over Rob Lowe, she spends too much money on perfume, when she's alone she likes to sing naked to her imaginary American Idol fans, and the one word she would use to describe Danny is hot.
Final Elimination Round
Sharla: I don't believe "fooling around" is cheating. Ty: I poke holes in condoms. Evelyn (eliminated): I emptied my bank account for a psychic.
Ick Sharla. And we were doing so well together! She clarifies that flirting isn't a big deal to her as long as she's coming home to him. However, her overall package is still WAY better than Ty, who clearly wants to get pregnant right away or something. Ye gads! She says she's really ready to move forward in her life. The already-eliminated Evelyn also sounds nutty, since she says she's into the psychic still.
Danny thinks it over for a minute, and then sends my girl Sharla home. Womp, womp, womp! He and Ty hug, and exchange a little cheek kiss. Danny's baggage is one of these three:
- I falsely impersonated a priest. - I live in a tree house. - My penis is all over the Internet.
The penis thing is definitely the worst. I'd hesitate if a girl I was dating had her boobs or vagine (in Borat terminology) all over the Internet. The tree house thing suggests to be some sort of hippie freak, which would also stink, whereas I would associate the priest thing with Halloween or a prank.
Ty says she would have a problem with the tree house thing the most, but Danny's actual baggage is the wang thing. He said that in 2006, he was a Playgirl centerfold. (Note: I am definitely not looking this up or providing a link for it :/ ) He said the shoot is available all over the Internet, and it gets some catcalls from the audience. Ty says she can accept his baggage though, and they kiss briefly on the lips.
Welcome to The Baggage Game! As usual, you can find the video linked at the bottom of this entry. Unfortunately, the Excess Baggage for the show is down right now. Sorry!
Today's dater is Tracy, a business owner from Tuscon, Arizona, who looks like she has been cast in an adult movie as a schoolgirl. She's wearing a sort of gray vest with a white blouse, but a really short black skirt. Tracy looks a bit like a bustier, older Anna Kendrick. She wants an artistic guy "who can kiss good." Why, heavens! (Note: Tracy is really, really good looking, since Anna Kendrick is currently in my top three.)
Mark is the first candidate, and he's a financial planner from Houston, Texas. He loves music and road trips. He's looking for a girl with class in public, but a wild side behind closed doors. He kind of looks like that loser Jake from The Bachelor. Next up is Eric, a fitness trainer from New York City. He has really cool facial hair, and he looks like he could be a linebacker for the Giants. He's also a massage therapist, which gets an ooo from the crowd. Finally, we have Andrew, a social worker from Chicago. He's really, really normal looking and seems a bit timid, so I'm betting he's the "freak show" candidate for this game.
First Round
Mark: I own 250 pieces of hamburger memorabilia. (Jerry says, "That's a whopper.") Eric: I used to be a stripper. Andrew: I always use coupons on dates. (Jerry says, "I use coupons to buy prunes, but not dates.")
Mark's baggage is... weird, but not that unusual. Eric says he hung his G-string up a while ago, so if that was a female, that wouldn't bug me so much. Meanwhile, Tracy rightly points out that she doesn't know nice restaurants that accept coupons. I'm with her on this - a coupon on a date is just kind of tacky. Boo!
Second Round
Andrew: I'm a paying member of nine dating services. Mark: I share a credit card with my former girlfriend. Eric: I have a collection of stolen women's panties.
Well, there is the obvious "go home" here - Definitely the panties guy. That's just weird and freaky, dude. Overlooking this obviously horrible thing, the credit card thing would be the next-worrisome thing. And I'm confused as to how someone can be a member of NINE dating services. I'm on two, and neither cost any money.
Tracy hesitates for about half a second before eliminating the panties guy. You go girl! This turns out to be Eric the Stripper. He says it's "a nice, clean collection," and does explain that the girls left them behind at his house. This makes me wonder what kind of women he's "dating," if that's the proper term. I've never had any panties left at my place, ever.
Hot spot time! Mark's most treasured possession is his dog (which he shares with his ex, by the way, and hence the shared credit card), women like his charm, he won't have sex on the first date, and the strangest place he's had sex was the front yard of someone else's house. Andrew gets in the mood when his girlfriend cooks, he'd ask a genie for good health, he fantasizes about Megan Fox, he listens to a woman to make her feel special (Jerry says, "What's that like?"), and the wildest thing he's done in bed is take directions (???).
Final Elimination Round
Mark: I keep hundreds of nude photos from ex'es. Andrew: I've gone to Russia three times to find a wife. Eric (eliminated): I love drinking breast milk.
Wow - It would be awesome if Mark's ex-girlfriends were watching the show. He said it's mostly because they're from long distance relationships, which makes it worse to me. He sounds like a womanizer and sexual freak. Meanwhile, Andrew is on the other end of the spectrum. Even when he talks, he sounds nebbish and not confident with himself. No wonder he wants to settle down, like now, because I can't imagine he's had sex yet.
Given the baggage, I'd eliminate Mark, just because he's sleazy. Neither one of them seems like a great guy though, so I almost wonder if Tracy would rather have Eric the Stripper and Breast Milk Drinker back. She goes back and forth a bit on them, and rightly says about Andrew, "He seems so desperate that I think he'd settle for anybody." She then eliminates him, which makes sense to me. Tracy's baggage is one of these three things:
- I'm currently on parole. - I'm a topless magician. (My guess, but not a strong guess.) - I pushed a boyfriend's car off a cliff.
Tracy hasn't shown a ton of personality throughout the game, so I don't have a good read on what her baggage could be. Of these three, the parole thing would be the most worrisome, depending on what it's for. Drugs, or a third DUI? Ick. But if it's just some minor crime, then it would be game on. The topless magician thing would be weird, but meh, whatever! It's a living. And the car thing, I would just assume the guy was a dick.
Mark says he would be most concerned with the car off the cliff, because "I'm a big car guy." However, I bet it's because most of his relationships end badly. Her actual baggage is the topless magician thing though, which gets a loud cheer from the crowd. Of course, they have a picture of it, and she looks GREAT. Mark takes about half a second to accept her baggage, and they get to go to a fancy steakhouse for a date.
And, after doing some snooping, it looks like Tracy might be Tracy Dali - You can see her IMDB here. If not, the resemblance is striking. She has been in a surprising number of films, although I'm a bit miffed that her baggage was the illusionist thing, considering that she is apparently Playboy's most downloaded lingerie model.
Welcome to another installment of The Baggage Game! As usual, the Excess Baggage is here, and the episode is linked at the bottom of this entry.
Today's contestant is Shelly, a buxom blonde fitness trainer from Hollywood, California. She kind of looks like the blonde whore woman from Sex and the City, except actually in shape. I might also be thinking this because her dress is essentially painted on to her body.
First up is Ian, a "legal researcher" from Washington D.C. He looks a bit like Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation. And I don't mean the actor, I mean he looks like Worf. Up next is a real estate financial officer from Santa Monica, California, named Derek. He has on a pink dress shirt. And finally, we have Adam, a songwriter from Ventura, California. He mentions that he is into tantric sex - all class. And also, Shelly is WAY better looking than all of them.
First Round
Ian: I don't believe in tipping. (Jerry says, "You wouldn't want to go back to the same restaurant.") Derek: I collect my navel lint. Adam: I used to wear lip gloss, lacy tights and a G-string.
Man Ian, what a dirtbag. Who are you, Mr. Pink from Reservoir Dogs? Derek says belly buttons are like black holes, and thus, they fascinate him. I threw up a bit in my mouth though. Adam sounds like he was in a hair metal band, and he reveals that he was indeed a lead singer in a 1980s hair metal band. (I'm so smart!)
Second Round
Derek: I've had conjugal visits with women in prison. (Jerry says, "Maybe he likes woman in orange." Shelly adds, "Maybe he likes women in handcuffs.") Ian: I drink seven nights a week. Adam: I disowned my parents.
Okay - The first two things are equally concerning to me, in a bad way. You're either so trashy, you don't care that you're bangin' women in prison, or your judgment is horrible and you're hooking up with felons. Drinking seven nights a week seems a bit... extreme. At one point in college, I decided to have a beer every night before bed, and even then I felt like a bit of an alcoholic. However, I actually view the parent disowning as a positive thing - No doubt they are nutty and chaotic. Push coming to shove, I'd get rid of the prison dude.
Shelly's dealbreaker turns out to be the same. "Why are you visiting a woman behind bars and not at the bar?" Oh, how clever of you to say! This turns out to be Derek-the-navel-picker anyway, so no great loss. Adam says that his dad re-married a horrible woman, and his mom is "beyond words," hence his no contact. Ian has some convoluted reasoning about his drinking, saying that studies have shown a drink or two at night prevents binge drinking in the long run. (This sounds dubious to me, especially since he's slurring as he's talking.)
On to the Hot Spot! Ian likes bare feet over stilletos and boots, he's most obsessed with his hair, he used to be a floral arranger and the worst injury he has sustained during sex is a crook neck. Adam thinks All The Right Moves describes him on the dance floor, he would build a shrine to Madonna in his living room (if he had to build a shrine), his voice is his best feature, and he wants to hear "more" during sex. (Jerry wants to hear, "This one's free.") Adam then sings a bit, and honestly, his voice is a little pitchy, dawg.
Final Elimination Round
Ian: I have the worst credit score possible. Adam: I believe I'm the descendant of aliens. Derek (eliminated): I think I have three illegitimate offspring.
Man, too bad that Derek is gone, huh? Ian's baggage is pretty bad too, and I'm not a fan of Shelly response, "How can he buy me the things I want?" I say FEH to you! Shelly thinks the alien thing is a little weird, and I agree, but at least Adam isn't destitute. Adam just thinks everyone is descendant from aliens, not just him, if that makes it better.
Ian has too much baggage for me, and Shelly as well, and he's sent packing. Her own baggage is one of these three:
- I slipped my ex a sleeping pill on his wedding day. - I make S&M fetish videos. (My odds on favorite for her actual baggage.) - I make my man pay my credit card bill.
Oh geez... Well, #3 would definitely be a dealbreaker. I have a new job, but I'm not rich or anything. If Shelly is still doing the fetish videos, then that's a dealbreaker, although I'd at least think about it if it was in her past. And likewise, if the sleeping pill thing was a lonngggg time ago, then it might be game on. But if it was like, last year, meh to her.
Adam says he would have the biggest problem with... Well, he doesn't really expand on his thoughts. But I'm totally right! Shelly does the videos, and said she needs a man who will support and encourage her while she whips and chains dudes. Adam says that's "pretty wild," but it's a fake-out and he rejects her! Zing! And Jerry reminds us at the end, "Love is a journey, so travel light." Wise words to live by, of course.
The Excess Baggage is here, and as usual, the episode is linked at the bottom. If you didn't know, well, now you do.
Today, we have Daniel. He's a life coach from Marin County, California. Apparently, that is a full-time job, so kudos for him! I'm guessing he doesn't need to partake in his own services. He's look for a Renaissance woman that will appreciate the arts, and who has a spiritual side.
For the daters, we have Keri first, a marketing consultant from Los Angeles, California. She is hella pale - Like even paler than I am, and I'm pale. Next is Amy, a legal assistant from St. Louis. She is wearing the most ruffled blue top ever; even Princess Toadstool would be impressed. Finally, we have Cameron, a make-up artist from Santa Monica, California, and self-described "party girl." She loves to put latex on any part of her body she can, which is weird.
First Round
Keri: I haven't missed my soap opera in 30 years. Amy: My dog and I wear matching outfits. Cameron: I sleep with a bite guard.
Regarding Keri, and the others, this is a bit of an older group than usual - Closer to 40 than 30. She lovessss her Days of Our Lives. With Amy's baggage, you can tell she's attractive, since ugly girls don't seem to match their outfits with their dogs. (I'm a master of probing psychological things like this.) Cameron's baggage is so meh and minor. This whole round is a bit of a disappointment so far.
Second Round
Keri: My boyfriend MUST become a vegan. Cameron: I attend spiritual sweat lodges every week. Amy: I stole $10,000 for an ex. (Jerry says, "At least you know she's got money.")
Vegan girl, you can GTFO immediately. I love meat far, far too much to ever become vegan. Heck, I could conceivably be talked into going veggie if I liked the girl enough, but vegan, no way. It limits you way too much in terms of food. The ex thing is somewhat worrisome, but I bet he was an ass anyway. And the sweat lodge thing actually intrigues me; I like hearing about quirky stuff like that.
Daniel kicks the vegan girl to the curb, because he is sensible like me. This turns out to be Keri - Maybe if she had some meat, her skin would tone up a bit. She's bitter on the way out, but seriously, even some god damn meat. The two remaining girls snipe at each other, with Amy claiming that she was justified taking the $10k because her ex-BF was a freeloader.
Hot Spot time! Amy likes to have sex "any time," she'd like to be Hello Kitty, shopping is a vice, she likes Daniel's smile, and she once left in the middle of a date because the guy was a jerk. Cameron is obsessed with sugar, she's been skydiving, she'd buy Daniel "whatever he wants" with $1,000, she wouldn't have anything done if offered free plastic surgery, and size "always" matters to her. So far, Cameron is my favorite, since she seems like less maintenance than Amy.
Final Elimination Round
Amy: I hooked up with a judge to win a pageant. Cameron: I slept with an ex two days before his wedding. Keri (eliminated): I'm a hypochondriac.
Man, Keri sounds like a bit of a freak, huh? Amy is quite bragadacious about sleeping with the judge, and it was just a freakin' Hawaiian Tropic contest! Meanwhile, I was with Cameron at first - I figured, well, it takes two to tango, and the guy wanted to cheat. But then she reveals that it was more of a closure thing for herself! Holy heck! So neither is high on my list, but Cameron seems more artsy-slutty than money-slutty like Amy, so I'd go with her.
Dan ponders it for a minute... And sends Amy home! Even though he has a silly job to me, I feel like Dan and I could hang out and have a beer. His baggage is one of the following three things:
- I donated my seed to three women. - I live in my van. - I faked a terminal illness to break up with a girlfriend.
Okay, to me, the terminal illness is by far the worst. It shows a lack of character and nerve; just break up with the person! (Note: If he was 16 to 21 years old, then it's a little scandalous.) The van thing is bad if it has been going on for a while, understandable if it is a short-term thing. (And if he doesn't live by the river.) Meanwhile, the seed thing is just weird - Dan isn't super dreamy or anything. I'd probably give him a pass on that.
Cameron said she would have the biggest issue with the van thing, noting that it's "tight quarters." Dan reveals that his baggage is... living in his van! (By the way, reminder: He's a LIFE COACH.) And it gets worse, as he says it is totally by choice. And even worse, they have a picture of it, and it looks like a child molester van. Cameron does not really seem pleased about this at all, and asks where they would cook, to which Dan suggests her place. Shockingly though, she accepts his baggage anyway, which also seems to surprise Jerry.
Time for The Baggage Game! You can find the Excess Baggage here, and as always, the full episode is linked at the bottom of this entry.
Tonight the dater is Vince. He looks pretty normal. He's a financial consultant from Newark, New Jersey. He's looking for a girl "as smart as she is sexy" and that can keep up with his "rock star lifestyle." What the eff? You're a financial consultant! Jerry also points this out, to which Vince replies that he expects his lady to be able to drop everything and come out with him if he calls. How lovely.
First up is Brooke, a massage therapist from Austin, Texas. She is really, really attractive, which makes me wonder if "massage therapist" is code for something else. She wants an active guy that can keep up with her. Next up is Darcy, a nanny from Minneapolis, Minnesota. To be mean for a second, she looks like she might be pregnant herself. And finally, we have Mara, a legal accountant from Winnepeg, Canada. This is odd to me because that's the last name of my roommate, and because this girl has dyed platinum blonde hair, which is completely unlike my roommate, her younger sister and her mom, who are all like chestnut brown. Mara is quite attractive, despite the super-dye job and an odd plaid shirt.
First Round
Brenda: I always crack my wrists, neck, feet and knuckles. (Jerry says, "As long as she's not cracking nuts, you're OK.") Darcy: I never sleep more than three hours. Mara: My dog has 36 outfits and 12 pairs of shoes.
Brenda's baggage isn't really baggage, since most people have a quirk like that. Meanwhile, Darcy (who isn't in Pride and Prejudice) is writhing on the bed like an addict and not sleeping, and Mara is spending god knows how much on crap for her dog. Hey Mara, it's a dog! Not a baby. Dogs don't need shoes, that's why they have paws.
Second Round
Brenda: I'm a real-life Runaway Bride. (Jerry says, "You'll wanna elope.") Mara: I have no female friends. Darcy: I use my viberator four times a day. (Vince says, "Is that really baggage?," and I'm with him.)
Man, this is another weak round by Baggage standards. #2 and #3 are fine in context. The runaway bride thing is the only serious issue, so I'd send that girl packing. I don't need that sort of drama. Vince agrees with me, and as a result, Brenda is going home. (It seems odd though, because she says it was just one time.)
Mara says she went to an all-girls Catholic school growing up, and as a result, she doesn't like how catty girls can be. She seems like an absolute sweetheart, and is slowly winning my heart, since Darcy seems a bit... off.
Hot Spot time! Darcy is proudest about getting her Master's, she'd use a superpower on Vince to "make him scream my name," if she could have a threesome with a celebrity couple it would be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie because "they seem like they'd be fun," she doesn't go home with a guy on the first date, and if money wasn't any object, she'd be a psychologist. Mara sees herself as rich and famous in 10 years, salad is the best thing she can cook, she watches porn once a week, she prefers successful men to generous men, and she does an impression of Betty Boop. (Vince says afterward that Mara seems like a gold digger; what a dude!)
Final Elimination Round
Darcy: Only women can give me orgasms. Mara: I keep a portable urinal in my car. Brenda (eliminated): I'm an exotic dancer.
Wow, I called the Brenda thing. Go me! And Darcy's baggage isn't THAT surprising to me, since she seems kind of... off. I'd find it more worrisome than Mara's baggage. Mara says it's because she has a really small bladder, and she gets stuck in L.A. traffic all the time. (I'm assuming she wouldn't be doing it in front of me, and therefore, I'm cooler with Mara overall.)
Vince slags on both women a bit, which seems silly to me, since one of them still has to pick him after hearing his baggage. He eliminates Mara - Boo! She has a good zing on the way out though: "Good luck on someone who needs four settings to squeal." Speaking of Vince's baggage, it's one of the following three...
- I was arrested for streaking at a baseball game. - I'm clinically diagnosed as a man and a woman. - I cheated on my girlfriend with 15 different women.
Of these, the cheating would be an absolute dealbreaker. Seriously, 15 different women? That's just pathologically bad. The "man and woman" thing... Having kids is big to me, so it would hinge on that. And the streaking at a baseball game thing sounds like one-time, drunken behavior, so meh to that. That wouldn't affect my decision-making at all.
To Darcy, the man and woman thing would worry her the most, which Jerry notes would seem odd given her proclivity for both sexes. However, Vince reveals his actual baggage, which is the cheating thing that bugs me the most. He says it's in the past now, and that he wouldn't go looking for it, but as soon as he told ladies this, they would go after him. What a sleaze! Jerry picks up on this immediately, and sarcastically notes, "The burdens of being a man." Darcy enthusiastically shuts the case on Vince, who slithers away. Nice goin', Darc!
