Pitching Perfect Projects: Eating Dinner and Looking For Work

I've got two somewhat-related project ideas tonight. For those unfamiliar with my previous post on this topic, you can check out it out here and here. The concept? Pitching ideas that I think would make fantastic movies or television shows. First up...

- Eating Dinner. This is based on the idea of Roger Ebert's old reviewing partner, Gene Siskel. Ebert has said several times that Siskel always asked himself one question about every movie he watched: Is this film better than just sitting in on dinner with the leads? I love that standard, because it's relatively simple to understand.

However, instead of using it as a standard to judge movies on, why not just film movies or a show based on the concept? Of course, there is the legendary My Dinner With Andre, which stars the great Wallace Shawn. Most of y'all probably remember him as the funny dude from The Princess Bride, another great performance. If he's willing to sign on for the show, then great! If not, then we'll have to look elsewhere.

Some of you might be thinking - Hey, what about Shatner? He did have a show that was pretty similar to what I was pitching. However, the problem with him is that Shatner himself is too much of a buffoon, and doesn't have enough chops, to make it work. You need someone who brings something to the table besides a broad caricature. Preferably, you would involve someone who isn't widely known for just one role, or who has range as an actor. Actors with developed personas - Christopher Walken, Alec Baldwin - wouldn't really work for this, and a complete unknown wouldn't be believable as an equal of whoever he was talking to.

Assuming there is no limit to who I can cast, then I find George Clooney and Edward Norton to be the best choices. Clooney just exudes cool, between his presence in Ocean's Eleven and tagging anything hot that moves in Hollywood, yet I don't really know much about the guy. The same thing goes with Norton, except he also seems slightly nuts. He seems to have a slight sense of humor about himself, given his appearances on Stella and Modern Family. In the past, he dated Courtney Love and Salma Hayek, which is range in pretty much every conceivable way.

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Now we got a stew going...

- Looking For Work. Now, this is the show that Shatner could be on, if he wasn't busy with his show based on Twitter.

The premise is somewhat similar to Lookwell!, which I've written about in the past. In that show, Adam West played an out-of-work television detective, Ty Lookwell, who was deluded into thinking he could actually solve crimes now. It was nonsensical, and absolutely awesome.

The twist in this show is that the actor would just play him or herself. Obviously, Adam West would still work for this, as would anyone else who is normally seen as being available for just about any role with a paycheck - George Takei, Michael Caine, Carl Weathers. You can imagine it as the poor man's version of Curb Your Enthusiasm, except that it would be a scripted show with the character playing himself.

Part of the beauty of this is that it allows you the opportunity for tons of silly nostalgia and self-referential humor, especially when it comes to the business. The show should be a spoof of some of the more outlandish aspects of the trade - remember how Robert Goulet had a sitcom? - by putting the lead in ridiculous situations every week that he or she is completely serious about. (Spoofs work best when the people don't realize they're in a spoof; nobody ever cracks up in Airplane! or The Naked Gun.)

Holidays, obligations and Captain America

I've never been really gungho about holidays, even if it is seemingly something that is simple to celebrate, like my birthday. I don't really have a good explanation for this – The natural urge is to examine my childhood for an answer, except that I did have parties and what not from age six (the first year I can remember) to 21 (the last time I had a major party solely in my honor, which features a keg of Sam Adams). So, there was clearly an emphasis on it.

I think my “who cares?” attitude has developed as I've aged and more distractions and obligations come into play. For example, Fourth of July will forever be dead to me because of the Bristol parade. In 2007, I had to cover it for The Bristol Phoenix, and it was one of the most miserable days of my life. Because the streets and parking get ridiculous, I had to be there at 5 a.m. It was about 90 degrees the entire day, and except for some small breaks for water and what not, I was out there covering it until 2 p.m., I believe. Because I just wanted to get it over with, I then hung around the office and typed up copy for about three hours. I think all told, I did 3,000 to 5,000 words on the friggin' parade.

(On the plus side, I got second place at the Rhode Island Press Association awards for my coverage. On the negative side, nobody even told me I was nominated for it, so I wasn't there to accept it. Instead, I was seeing Iron Man, which was good, but I could have seen that any old night.)

A past parade experience – the St. Patrick's Day parade in Newport – was no better. Even though there was a steady pouring, there was no attempt to delay or postpone it. Things got worse as the day wore on, because the temperature plummeted and I was covered in a nice layer of snow. Ugh. At this point, I was 19 or 20, so some youthful enthusiasm must have carried me through it. I remember going back to The Newport Daily News office and trying to dry my soggy notes, 20 pages worth, on a heater, along with my socks and shoes. To add insult to injury, I had stupidly told my fellow intern that I would work for her the next day, which I learned was the busiest police log day of the year because of all the arrests from the god damn parade. There was literally just a newspaper page worth of arrests in Monday's edition of the paper, and I wrote up about 80 percent of them. Ugh.

Nonetheless, I feel obligated to give a shout-out to the best America-centric superhero: Captain America. I think Marvel has generally done a good job protecting his image by having him take proper stands, such as against the Vietnam War and sacrificing himself for the cause of freedom as opposed to authoritarian rule in “Civil War.”

I am surprised he hasn't had his own movie, but then again, who could play him? I hate when the backgrounds and ethnicities of characters are changed for movies, so that rules out the Rock, who otherwise is a natural choice to me. You want someone who looks big and tough without being so huge that he would be menacing (Vinnie Jones, a.k.a. Bullet Tooth Tony from Snatch). John Cena has the perfect look, but The Marine and 12 Rounds (and his promo work) demonstrate that he doesn't have the acting chops. Referencing Snatch again, Jason Statham would be perfect, except that he is British.

Ideally, I would want a big name actor to get the part, but the choices are kind of limited. Ben Affleck wouldn't be a horrible choice, but he is already cast in the Marvel universe as Daredevil; you can't turn around and then make him be Captain America instead. Likewise, even though they're different universes, I think Matt Damon is too synonymous with Jason Bourne to pull double-duty as Captain America. George Clooney is too old now, Brad Pitt probably isn't interested, Edward Norton is the Hulk / Bruce Banner, and Johnny Depp is too slight (thin) and too faggy. If he wasn't already Wolverine, Hugh Jackman would be perfect.

However, I think casting a newcomer or low-scale actor could be a big mistake. It hasn't worked out well the last couple times it has been tried. Hayden Christensen sucked as Anakin Skywalker; I know people like to make the dialogue excuse, but Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Emperor Palpatine and Yoda didn't come off as whiny bitches like he did. I don't even remember the guy they cast in Superman Returns, but even though that film made about $200 billion, there is no talk of a sequel because the whole thing sort of blew.

I'm sure I'm forgetting somebody decent though, so I'll ask you, my gentle readers (to steal something from the late great Ann Landers): Who would you cast as Captain America?